why don’t I just slack away from my prayers today and repay them back in double tomorrow?

My big programming study is well underway. There is a reason why the word “BIG” precede the description of my project. Because amongst many things, being BIG is the best description for it.

Firstly, BIG amount of money had been invested and will be invested on it. And compared to the last programming project, this one involves BIGGER number of rodents. And most importantly, it is the BIGGEST thing happening in my life right now.

Thinking about the project can easily send chills down my spine. In total, 768 rats will be generated from 96 pregnant mothers and 300 or so of them will be culled. 350 kg of standard diet, 350 kg of high fat diet and 350kg of high fat, high omega-3 diets will be ordered and used. The amount of animal work will be MASSIVE which include daily pregnancy generation, daily offspring body weight and food intake measurement, training the rats for blood pressure measurement, training myself for cardiac ultrasound and performing DEXA radiation scan. Should I mention the “odd hours” tissue collection that will be done at 8am, 2pm, 8pm and 2 am. No, it was not a typo, I did consciously typed 2 am.

I supposed, I had been given enough times to come into terms with the massive amount of works destined for me. And I am not the least bit worry because, I know myself, InsyaAllah, I can push through, Ameen..

If I could survive back to back calls, this should be manageable. I didn’t mean to brag but, none on these works involve a continuous 58 hours of continuous standing, running around doing cardiac resuscitation or chasing x-rays. and most importantly none of these works involve total sleep deprivation. there will be some altered sleep pattern that will ultimately screw up my circadian rhythm… but it will be worth it.

In fact I do feel a bit lucky because at least there is a PhD degree awarded at the end of it. because if I was still doing calls, the money received get spent almost immediately. and how much did I make a night? wasn’t it just 100 Ringgit a night? Subhanallah…. those of you who are still doing that, I salute you.

So Jess, in response to your question, “why don’t I just slack away from my prayers today and repay them back in double tomorrow?,” I have to say that unfortunately I can’t. This PhD thing is already so huge, I don’t know if I could do it alone. I can’t be arrogant because I need Allah’s help, I need Allah’s guidance and I desperately need His love all the more right now.

Betrayal

 

And it could never be anymore correct than this.

“Minimize contact,” I told myself. Minimize contact with her if you’d want to survive this despair. And so I did. Have you ever wondered how it feels to get her name mentioned in my presence? I can not even describe it. All that I can remember was urging to cry ever so desperately… 

I was reminded by a friend that perhaps excessive sadness over something “so trivial” is likely to be the work of evil. But, my lovelies, define “trivial” for me please… If only you knew what she did, you wouldn’t have forgiven her so easily. But I clearly have.

Forgiving is easy. Especially after I rationalize with myself that perhaps she had her own problem, and that she just “had to step on her friends” in order to survive (advance forward?).  But forgetting, my friend, is harder. You have to experience it to understand it.

I talked to mom about her and in her own words she thought what this person did to me was wicked.She also reminded me to be an adult about it and not to“discontinue” friendship with this person. Come the right time,  mom wants me to tell her adult to adult, woman to woman that “Did she really think that I wouldn’t find out? Did she really think that Allah would leave me in the darkness forever?”

I don’t discuss about my sadness with anyone. But this disappointment is slowly building up to a depression. I don’t want that for myself, so here I am ventilating it all out on a piece of blog hoping that the burden is eased, the heartbreak gets mended and the despairs are gradually relieved. All I wish is that I can go through another day without having to feel sorry for myself after what she had done to me. It is obviously not easy, but I am hopeful that Allah will help me and guide me all the way through. 

I am not the kind of person who would seek revenge and I am grateful to Allah for that. But I am also not a person who could easily put a trust on people. It breaks my heart so severely when my trust was betrayed so casually. Betrayal… Oh, the feeling.

~Oh Allah, defend me from my friends because from my enemies, I can defend myself~

Da,

Ana